Annoying Archetypes #1: The Annoyingly False-modest Cook

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“Yah well it’s a very simple dish, I just threw it together, you just take three small poussins that have been fed on organic Zechuan pine kernels and marmite, and marinate them overnight in a coulis of fermented blueberries with a good dollop of vintage Indonesian rum, then while that’s on the go you caramelise four medium size cubrd of rose veal in a distillation of emulsified free range goat rennet making sure it blackens nicely but doesn’t stick and the next thing is to throw in a dozen Welsh quails egg yolks that you’ve previously dredged in gluten free acorn flour and deep-fried in aboriginal macadamia nut oil, and meanwhile flambee a couple of pheasant bottoms making sure there isn’t any lead shot up there, that wouldn’t be very nice would it, ruin the whole thing in fact, with a nice demiglaze of Muscadet brandy in which you’ve soaked finely ground galanjal and the skin of an unripe cardoon, then you simmer that lot down till you’ve got about a teaspoon or so of jus, and in a separate pan you quickly prepare a magret of lamprey loin with the pulverised gizzards of five Andalusian guinea fowl and a couple of Pacific squid testicles infused with fresh aloe vera juice, and then all you have to do is combine all the ingredients in a bain marie and cook in a very slow oven, about gas mark .001, for around three days, you’ll know when it’s done, then serve in ramekins garnished with grated Mesopotamian yuk-yuk nuts and an amuse-bouche of seared edamame beans and biodynamic Hunza cabbage sauerkraut, there’s absolutely nothing to it…”